Rivers of sand disperse down my face,
Leaving trails of erosion and drought.
I didn’t say what I needed to say
A tree has sprouted and has grown strong in time,
Spring brings hope and showers of joy,
A cold harsh winter comes and destroys life’s work.
A sponge absorbed with her essence,
used to cleanse the Past.
Now dried and left to crack, under the baking sun.
The rope of life, out of my grasp,
My hands are sweaty, desperately trying to reach.
Trying not to strangle myself with my guilt.
I said I loved you,
She said she loved me too. The time that was spent, will
Never come back. Life is harsh and so was our love.
I couldn’t say what I needed to say.
I want to know the following:
Did I get the message of the poem out?
Did it make sense the way it ended?
8 comments:
ok the mesage was clear IF you know the story of why you wrote it...
i kinda know or i think i do and
yes it makes perfect sense i think you wrote it well but it does have errors i can tell but i cant tell you !!! UHHH
I got the message of your poem clearly and your images held a lot of descriptions the only thing that i think you could think about is the way you have the "i didn't say what i needed to say" line, it feels a little over used.
It is a little vague. What happened to this girl and what did you need to say her? That part is a little unclear. The message I got, be it correct or not, was that you needed to leave this girl because your love for her had died but you didn't know how. ayway i thought the poem was very good but i do kinda agree with missy that line is used four times two or three would make it better while still estblishing the message and theme.
Obviously I'm pretty sure I know what happened... That's why it's clear to me. I don't know about anyone else, I'm not blissfully unaware like them. The way it ends make sense, but doesn't at the same time. What, exactly, are you trying to say? Or not say? I'm not sure.
oh my gosh those metaphors are amazing it makes such good imagery! everything with the rope and the sand and the winter! leave that much it has good affect. i think u did get the message across i understood it. also the repition of the title has great affect.
C:
lovelyy.
I thought the message was kind of clear, but a little more description would be nice to help completely grasp the idea. The ending makes sense, but I would like it if you wrote "Life is harsh AND so is love" instead of "Life is harsh BUT so is love" because I just think it sounds better. All in all it was well written.
elliot this is really deep, but get what you didnt say, but i think you need more detailsssss.............
idk what constructive critisism...
we just talked so, yea
i like it. a little confusing but good
to much repetition in some places
the message its somewhat unclear
=]
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